Chaotek Thoughts

Late night TV has not been this entertaining for me in a long time.  It’s comedy gold at NBC’s expense.  I’ve never much of a fan of late night talk shows, especially since getting a DVR, but I’ve enjoyed the last week quite a bit.  I’ve never been a fan of Conan, but he’s doing a great job considering his situation.  The jokes are hilarious, mocking NBC over and over, reminding me of when Howard Stern worked for WNBC.

I think that NBC caused this problem from the start.  After David Letterman’s defection back when Leno took the helm of the Tonight Show, NBC became very paranoid that it would happen again.  They decided to retire Jay Leno while he was on top, and didn’t want to retire.  All because they were afraid of Conan leaving and becoming the competition.  While I liked Leno a lot more than Conan at the time, I believe that Conan should get to keep the Tonight Show as is, in its current timeslot.

It is ridiculous to blame Conan for NBC’s woes, considering the ratings failure of NBC as a whole.  Late night TV is dependent on people watching the news, which is dependent on the prime time schedule.  As has been publicized for the past months, the poor primetime performance of NBC (including the Jay Leno Show) has been hurting local evening news.  NBC is acting like changing the late night lineup will somehow save the network, but they should be looking to primetime first.  NBC has cancelled good show after good show, and even the good shows that they keep seem to barely get renewed.

They say that any publicity is good publicity, proven as I’m watching late night TV when I haven’t in years, but this publicity is going to be a problem down the road.  It’s polarizing NBC’s audience, suggesting that they choose between Conan and Leno (perhaps permanently).  I’m not going to solve the problem, NBC hasn’t called yet, but however it turns out it has been great TV (especially because it’s at NBC’s expense)!

Attack of the Show

I was thinking about how many groups of things have cool, yet representative, names like a murder of crows, a paddling of ducks, or a pride of lions. So I figured I’d try to coin terms for Democrats and Republicans. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

• A bank of Republicans
• A heartless of Republicans
• An exclusion of Republicans
• A war of Republicans
• A faith of Republicans

• A strife of Democrats
• A spend of Democrats
• A hemp of Democrats
• An illusion of Democrats
• A moaning of Democrats

Let me know which is your favorite, or what you think might be a good term…

All praise his glory. To show my devotion to my new lord and master, I will be instituting the following changes to my life:

• I am quitting playing D&D. The game documents accurate rituals for summoning demons and casting spells, all of which is the dominion of the dark one.
• I am burning my comics, as they promote idolatry. Nothing should be greater than man other than god. Super-powers can only be acquired through a devil’s pact.
• I am giving away my washer and dryer as the glass front allows me to see underwear bouncing around, which makes me think sinful thoughts.
• I am also quitting video games forever; aliens and monsters are the spawn of hell and should not be worshiped or even imagined.
• My fantasy novels, especially Harry Potter, will be cast into the abyssal depths of the ocean where the great evil one sleeps.
• I will no longer pay my bills, as the mark of the beast is required to do business and I will not submit my soul to the devil owned bankers.
• I will slay all creatures I choose and burn crop fields. God gave us dominion over the creatures of this world and is disappointed when we plow fields.
• My home has been a sanctuary of sin, I am abandoning it to find a place high up in the mountains where I will be physically closer to heaven.
• I will no longer speak to women, as they are wicked temptresses whose only purpose is to lead men to sin.
• I reject the existence of dinosaurs and the big bang; they are the product of godless scientists intent on corrupting my faith.
• I will keep my pets in accordance to my god given dominion over nature, however they will soon learn what submissive really means…
• I abandon the philosophy of protecting the environment as it is our right to do to it as we wish. If God wanted the world to be different than it is, he would have made it so.
• The smut of the Internet and television is to be eradicated. I will lead a posse to hunt down and slaughter everyone in southern California for their hedonistic ways. Perhaps if I can get my hands on a nuclear bomb, the heathens will get an introduction to the fires of hell moments before they arrive.
• I will no longer utilize technology; it is a distraction from reading the scripture at all times.
• I reject the driving of cars, if God can walk the Earth in sandals then so can I.
• I will spread the fear and terror to the unbelievers; they will convert or die by my righteous hand.
• I believe that before execution, all heretics will be given one last opportunity to convert via the instruments of torture. They will still be executed for their initial rejection, but it gives them one last chance to save their soul.
• I will initiate a program where believers attend church functions on a daily basis. While the faithful should be attending at least 5 times a day, showing up less than once a day is a lack of commitment and the sign of a heretic’s heart.
• I will return prayer to schools, as it is critical to reach all young minds, especially the children of infidels. Bullying will be encouraged against anyone not praying or praying in a different way. Should they still choose to rebel against the faith, stoning to death should be next step.
• I will grow a beard and long hair, just as my Lord has. But anyone wearing such a style who is without faith, such as hippies and punks, will be summarily beaten with a cane.
• I reject modern fashion, as it only provokes sinful thoughts. Rather I think that everyone should wear potato sacks and sandals.
• I believe that murder is a sin, but slaughtering a city of unbelievers is God’s will. Believers will be rewarded in the afterlife with one virgin for every infidel they kill.
• I believe that anyone who doesn’t look like me or who speaks a different language is a barbarian, and we should be careful when converting them. We need them to abandon all cultural beliefs and native languages in favor of our superior customs and language as part of their conversion.
• I reject the preaching of clergy, as no one is between me and my Lord. Suggesting such is a mortal sin which should be punished accordingly.
• I believe that it is a sin to translate the scriptures into any other language. If people really had faith, they would learn my language.
• I believe that the loss of a single unborn human life is against God’s will, however bombing those who perform such operations is also God’s will.
• I encourage the destruction of churches, as they give hope that eternal damnation is avoidable. Man is a sinner and can never be as perfect as God and does not deserve his forgiveness.
• I am planning a crusade to recover the holy city of Washington D.C. from the sectarian government and restore it as a beacon of holiness. Let the world tremble as the might of a unified, god-fearing, nation trains fighters in the tactics of holy terrorism.
• I will sponsor legislation to keep women hidden, away from the eyes of holy men. Any contact between the sexes for a reason other than procreation will result in the death penalty for the seductress.
• I will promote Internet sites which reveal the truth like: http://www.ilmatar.net/~np/gameofsatan

The destruction of Britney Spears’ career is almost as complete as her hair style, just a bit of stubble left. Like every other guy out there, I am eagerly awaiting the complete destruction of Britney’s career and the start of her next one–porn. Yes, that’s right. You can’t tell me that the first time you saw Hit me baby one more time that you didn’t wonder what she looks like naked. But that was unlikely to happen as long as she was still popular. Sure, there has been the occasional panty-less up-skirt photo, but we’re really waiting for the day that the bank is about to seize everything she owns and Hugh Heffner swoops in to save the day–money and the spotlight at the cost of 1 pictorial. I would be willing to bet that it would be the best selling magazine issue in publishing history. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before:

• Amanda Beard
• Amy Acuff
• Anna Nicole Smith
• Belinda Carlisle
• Brooke Burke
• Carmen Electra
• Carnie Wilson
• Charisma Carpenter
• Christy Hemme
• Chyna
• Claudia Christian
• Daryl Hannah
• Deborah Gibson
• Denise Richards
• Drew Barrymore
• Farrah Fawcett
• Fem2fem
• Gabrielle Reece
• Gena Lee Nolin
• Jaime Pressly
• Janet Jones
• Joanie Laurer
• Katarina Witt
• Kiana Tom
• Kim Basinger
• LaToya Jackson
• Linda Brava
• Marilyn Monroe
• Mia St. John
• Nancy Sinatra
• Peta Wilson
• Rachel Hunter
• Samantha Fox
• Shannen Doherty
• Shari Belafonte
• Tiffany
• Torrie Wilson
• Willa Ford
• Women of Baywatch
• and many, many more…

I’m really looking forward to seeing The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie out this summer. Why you may ask, because of Heath Ledger. According to sources, Ledger portrayed the Joker as a truly insane, depraved villain. Perhaps even the most twisted villain in cinema history. To get into the role, Ledger took a trip to the dark side–delving into the mind of a madman. He got so involved in the character that he commented to friends that sometimes the character didn’t go away after the cameras stopped rolling. For months after the film was done shooting, Ledger still couldn’t let go. According to news reports, Ledger suffered from insomnia as well other less defined conditions as a result of the character. So much so that he accidentally overdosed on pain medication and sleeping pills. Sounds like it’s going to be an AWESOME movie!

Stories like this get me thinking. Method acting, or The Method, is a style of acting where the actor tries to really get into the role. Sometimes this means hanging out with handicapped kids, prisoners, and rock stars. Heath Ledger went insane for his character. It makes you think about how he prepared for Brokeback Mountain…

On a more positive note, perhaps we can find some other depraved roles for some of Hollywood’s other method actors. Maybe that would get the Oscars down to a tolerable 90 minutes, like most of the crap Hollywood churns out these days, if we got other actors too involved in some twisted roles. Maybe put someone in the lead role for the story of Kurt Cobain, the Life and Times of Caligula or Dinner with Jeffrey Dommer?