Apr 01
All praise his glory. To show my devotion to my new lord and master, I will be instituting the following changes to my life:
- I am quitting playing D&D. The game documents accurate rituals for summoning demons and casting spells, all of which is the dominion of the dark one.
- I am burning my comics, as they promote idolatry. Nothing should be greater than man other than god. Super-powers can only be acquired through a devil’s pact.
- I am giving away my washer and dryer as the glass front allows me to see underwear bouncing around, which makes me think sinful thoughts.
- I am also quitting video games forever; aliens and monsters are the spawn of hell and should not be worshiped or even imagined.
- My fantasy novels, especially Harry Potter, will be cast into the abyssal depths of the ocean where the great evil one sleeps.
- I will no longer pay my bills, as the mark of the beast is required to do business and I will not submit my soul to the devil owned bankers.
- I will slay all creatures I choose and burn crop fields. God gave us dominion over the creatures of this world and is disappointed when we plow fields.
- My home has been a sanctuary of sin, I am abandoning it to find a place high up in the mountains where I will be physically closer to heaven.
- I will no longer speak to women, as they are wicked temptresses whose only purpose is to lead men to sin.
- I reject the existence of dinosaurs and the big bang; they are the product of godless scientists intent on corrupting my faith.
- I will keep my pets in accordance to my god given dominion over nature, however they will soon learn what submissive really means…
- I abandon the philosophy of protecting the environment as it is our right to do to it as we wish. If God wanted the world to be different than it is, he would have made it so.
- The smut of the Internet and television is to be eradicated. I will lead a posse to hunt down and slaughter everyone in southern California for their hedonistic ways. Perhaps if I can get my hands on a nuclear bomb, the heathens will get an introduction to the fires of hell moments before they arrive.
- I will no longer utilize technology; it is a distraction from reading the scripture at all times.
- I reject the driving of cars, if God can walk the Earth in sandals then so can I.
- I will spread the fear and terror to the unbelievers; they will convert or die by my righteous hand.
- I believe that before execution, all heretics will be given one last opportunity to convert via the instruments of torture. They will still be executed for their initial rejection, but it gives them one last chance to save their soul.
- I will initiate a program where believers attend church functions on a daily basis. While the faithful should be attending at least 5 times a day, showing up less than once a day is a lack of commitment and the sign of a heretic’s heart.
- I will return prayer to schools, as it is critical to reach all young minds, especially the children of infidels. Bullying will be encouraged against anyone not praying or praying in a different way. Should they still choose to rebel against the faith, stoning to death should be next step.
- I will grow a beard and long hair, just as my Lord has. But anyone wearing such a style who is without faith, such as hippies and punks, will be summarily beaten with a cane.
- I reject modern fashion, as it only provokes sinful thoughts. Rather I think that everyone should wear potato sacks and sandals.
- I believe that murder is a sin, but slaughtering a city of unbelievers is God’s will. Believers will be rewarded in the afterlife with one virgin for every infidel they kill.
- I believe that anyone who doesn’t look like me or who speaks a different language is a barbarian, and we should be careful when converting them. We need them to abandon all cultural beliefs and native languages in favor of our superior customs and language as part of their conversion.
- I reject the preaching of clergy, as no one is between me and my Lord. Suggesting such is a mortal sin which should be punished accordingly.
- I believe that it is a sin to translate the scriptures into any other language. If people really had faith, they would learn my language.
- I believe that the loss of a single unborn human life is against God’s will, however bombing those who perform such operations is also God’s will.
- I encourage the destruction of churches, as they give hope that eternal damnation is avoidable. Man is a sinner and can never be as perfect as God and does not deserve his forgiveness.
- I am planning a crusade to recover the holy city of Washington D.C. from the sectarian government and restore it as a beacon of holiness. Let the world tremble as the might of a unified, god-fearing, nation trains fighters in the tactics of holy terrorism.
- I will sponsor legislation to keep women hidden, away from the eyes of holy men. Any contact between the sexes for a reason other than procreation will result in the death penalty for the seductress.
- I will promote Internet sites which reveal the truth like: http://www.ilmatar.net/~np/gameofsatan
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